Beautiful Heartbreak

I did something scary. Super scary. It's something I probably wouldn't have done, but I didn't know what to do. After much prayer and talking with good friends, I came to a solution that I had been avoiding for months. So I carefully (and prayerfully) went about this scary thing. I was brave. I was also super scared. Being scared and nervous really played a part in my daily routine. I was somehow getting 2-4 hours of sleep each night, eating less, and actually putting a more effort to get ready in the morning. I went through mood swings. Happy. Scared. Nervous. Sad. Angry. Happy. Scared. Nervous. etc. etc. I was freaking out and always venting to my roommates and friends about my situation. Last night I cracked. My friend was concerned. Next thing I know, I get a text from the person I needed to talk to. Twenty-ish minutes later, I'm back in my apartment, tissues in hand, tears rolling down my cheeks and good friends and roommates around me bearing chocolate and ice cream.

My roommates really came through for me. They listened to me, gave me hugs, let me cry, cried with me (literally), and got frustrated with me. A lot of tears were shed last night and today. I felt sick to my stomach, because of all the anxiety and heartbreak. I was so confused; still am.

One thing that I've been trying to remind myself is that the Lord was with me at the beginning of the experience. He listened to me when I was frustrated, happy, sad, or angry. He was with me when I went about doing this hard thing. He was with me when I talked to this person. He was with me when I cried my eyes out. I know that he knows exactly how I've felt through this whole thing. I was never alone. He promised me that I would never be alone and still continues to keep that promise. I know that he cares about me and loves me.

Heartbreaks aren't easy. They never were as far as I'm concerned. But I know that I have become a much stronger person than I was before. Doing hard things make weak things become strong. It was comforting when I was told that what I did was a sign of confidence and strength. I look back and it truly was a beautiful heartbreak.

Music is healing for me. I heard a few songs that really brought me comfort during this.

Beautiful Heartbreak - Hilary Weeks

I never dreamed my heart would make it,
I thought about turning around;
But heaven has shown me miracles,
I never would have seen from the ground.

Now I take the rain with the sunshine,
Cause there's one thing that I know;
He picks up the pieces,
Along each broken road.

Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee - Rob Gardner

So hold on thy way,
For I shall be with thee.
And mine angels shall encircle thee.
Doubt not what thou knowest,
Fear not man, for he
Cannot hurt thee.
And with everlasting kindness will I succor thee,
And with mercy will I take thee ‘neath my wings.
For the mountains shall depart,
And the hills shall be removed,
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea,
But know, my child,
My kindness shall not depart from thee!

I am His Daughter - Nicole Sheahan

And when I'm feeling small,
And wondering if I'll ever, find courage to stand tall
Through His love I remember

There's so much more to me
He helps me to see that I have so much to offer
I am His daughter
He loves me the way I am
He's my strength when I stand
He is my King, and my Father,
I am His daughter

Going through this experience has taught me a lot about myself. I've definitely grown and have become a lot stronger. Things worked out for the best, even though it resulted into a lot of tears. And I was never alone during this. The Lord was there for me. He held my hand through all of this. He also gave me wonderful roommates and friends who were were there for me. It all worked out in the end. This was just one obstacle that needed to be tackled, so that I could go on my way. Here's to the new year, new obstacles, and new adventures that lay ahead! I can do hard things and so can you!