Ponder - Journal Entry Edition

"I feel like I have been swimming in my thoughts the last couple of weeks. Sometimes drowning starts to happen. But I have always been able to reach the surface and breathe. The deeper I go, the more I learn. But oh how hard it is for me to breathe. To accept. To feel. To hurt. To heal. So I pull away and swim to safer territory, where air is accessible, and I can live in this beautifully painted facade. My heart, however, tells me to come back down and deal. Be courageous. Be faithful. So I gave in. The lack of air made it hard. But somehow, He understood. So He made it possible for me to breathe. He gave me the right tools. And I didn't have to swim alone while I went on this excursion. He came with me. We are still searching together. Discussing and analyzing each piece. 
We discussed the situation. The dreams. The frustration. My love for him. My confusion with the other. Why the other and I are so perfect for each other and why it's not right. Where I am. Where I should be. How to fix the hurt. To own up to my mistakes with him. To apologize. To forgive him. To forgive me. To accept our differences. To let go. 
We discussed new options. New ideas. Being open minded. Trusting Him. 
And the other shows up. his lies pollute my mind. he tries his hardest to guide me to unknown territory. he makes me remember the pain. the failure. the memories.
After replaying those memories. After re-feeling those memories. After hashing out every detail. I ask for help from Him. I beg for his guidance and revelation to help me. He reminds me of His everlasting mercy and promises. I feel peace. 
So tomorrow I will wake up and He and I will swim some more and work on the next thing. It won't be easy. But in order for me to be securely anchored in Him, I need to change. To let go. A brighter future is in store." [May 2014]

A Brighter Future

Your mind is what's the matter 

Satan is the hold 

When he wants you not to be bold .

You, a child, have power untold. 

Tell him to go away from you 

or prepare for gods storm.

Those bullies were sent to hurt you 

but you had the lords hand.

He is here once again 

so ask and you will receive,

feel the love around you 

and you can be revived.

His love now surrounds you 

like a big hug.

Have all the strength inside you 

to put this test aside 

Here is your side to be alive.

~ Conner A. R.